I know that I should write about Russia or about the new semester, but instead, I want to write about this idea of memory. It’s funny because no matter how angry, upset, or hurt I may get, I can still miss the person that caused these emotions. And as I look back on photos, I am realising how I may never see these people, these memories, again. As the saying goes, Life Goes On. And in order for life to continue, we must meet new faces and make new memories, not dwell on past experiences. So here I say, thank you all for the memories, might they be good or bad, and say that I miss each and every one of you in a different and very specific way. You all have shaped me into who I am today. See you when I see you!


The Pit

Do you ever feel like you’re falling? Not just falling but as if you’re standing outside of your body and witnessing yourself fall? And there’s nothing you can do to stop this path? And rather than allowing yourself to fall, you grab ahold of anyone and anything you can on the path down? Not that this will keep you from falling, but maybe it will slow you down or distract you. But it doesn’t. It causes more damage along the way, distancing and destroying relationships that were once built. I’m watching myself fall, waiting to crash at the  bottom. Vomit.

New Chapter

I have officially moved, as in there is nothing that is tying me down to the dormitories any more. Also, I leave for Russia tonight. I have no idea how I feel about that, a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Tickets are all purchased and places to stay are set. Shelby is waiting for me on the other side of the water!

What’s been going on lately, you may ask? Well, I have been quite busy, but busy by choice which makes it more enjoyable. December was filled with Christmas parties and youth camp. New Year’s came and another party happened. I moved. Visiting Shelby is next. And something small that I will hide in this post, I may be staying in Estonia a bit longer than planned. I won’t speak about that quite yet though.

I honestly want to have a rant about what’s been bothering me but as soon as I come to type, those emotions dissipate and I am left with a flow of thoughts being put into words, some thoughts that were never actually solidified earlier. So I apologise if this is just word barf to you. I can say that I am anxious about this trip and I don’t know if there are other things that are bothering me lately (there probably are) enough that I have been having trouble sleeping. One example of this was a few nights ago when I couldn’t fall asleep until 6:30 and then woke up at 10:00. And last night, falling asleep at 2:00 and waking up at 6:00 and not being able to go back to sleep. So here I am, pretty much in sleep debt and exhausted, but trying to keep a positive attitude and get the tasks done that I need to do before I leave.

Shelby, this had better be worth it! As I type this, I am listening to a music group called “Sleeping At Last” (ironic, I know). Give him a listen, he’s quite nice.

The Lighthouse and The Whaler

Here’s the band I was all excited about. I can’t say that I am as excited now as I was a few days ago when I found them. The Lighthouse and The Whaler is a band from Ohio consisting of 4 guys, each with very different backgrounds. If you want to read about each person, go to their webpage. Their music is similar to Two Door Cinema Club and something folksy that I don’t care to relate them to.

I like Venice, Burst Apart, and This Is An Adventure. Sorry for being late! Happy Wednesday!

Holiday Break

Hey-O, people! I decided I should write while I am in a better mood so it doesn’t always seem as if I come to this blog to write when I am upset. There are a few things on my mind: music discovery, friends, and upcoming events.

We shall start with music discovery. There is this moment when I find a band or song that really sticks out and the whole atmosphere of that moment is different than anything else. A sense of excitement rushes through my body and I immediately stop searching for anything else. I listen to the entire album and look for a way to own it. I’m at that stage now, I found a band and am trying to find where to get the album from. I’ll share the band on Tuesday, so you’ll just have to wait until then to find out what the excitement is about.

Next, friends! The people that are entering and exiting my life are all so amazing and I am 100% thankful that I met them. Many of which probably don’t know how much they influenced my life already. But, that’s life. I am enthusiastic about this upcoming life change, me moving and the next semester, I mean. True, I am not exactly ready to say bye to some people but I am really happy that I have met the people I have. I am looking forward to settling down with one church and plugging in with those people. Along with that, I can only hope that I will find the motivation to continue learning Estonian.

Lastly, events… December filled up so quickly that I didn’t even realise how busy I have made myself. The biggest event is moving, then comes visiting a friend in Tallinn, next is Christmas celebrations, after that is Salem’s camp that I will be working at, then New Year’s (which I am really excited about because if you know me even a little bit,  you know that that’s pretty much my favourite holiday), then packing up to take off to Russia where I will visit Shelby in St. Petersburg and continue on to Moscow and parts of Estonia with her. After Russia, it’s a little open to what could happen. Camp may be the next event but I need to check bus timetables and prices to see if Shelby and I can get to Tartu on time before the group leaves for the camp resort. There has been mention of going to Haapsalu as well. Busy, busy, busy. But that’s okay. Today is a relaxing day with nothing actually planned and nothing that I actually need to accomplish.

Simple Life

Bring it, Winter! I am ready for snow. Holiday markets. Camp. New Year’s Eve. Travels. And adventurous nights. It’s nearly midway through December and classes are officially finished. I had that realisation last night that I no longer have classes… strange thought. I have three exams left to go, two Estonian ones and one Russian one. Christmas related events are popping up all over the place and I have no idea how busy I want to be.

For any of you out there are preparing to study abroad, keep one thing in mind. Nothing works on a schedule in other parts of the world. Never make concrete plans to do things and don’t over commit to things you want to do. You will wear yourself out. No lie. One of the most beautiful life changes I have experienced here is not planning out my days and allowing things to simply happen. Meaning that when someone invites me somewhere that day, I usually say yes because that leads to adventures I would have never thought would happen. For example: last night I agreed to go to an Estonian home group for no real reason and ended up in a car, exploring the edges of Tartu at midnight. Fun!

Pace yourself. School is one thing but that’s not something that lasts forever. Let’s say some part of the world is hit by something nuclear related (go watch Threads if you want to truly understand the depths of this idea I am presenting…) and so all that’s left is what? People. And not many of those either so I advise you to dedicate your time to spending it with people you enjoy being around. Don’t allow school work to consume your life or anything that could be destroyed in a matter of minutes (I realise people can be destroyed but… whatever. Not the point). People, people, people! Focus on those relationships!

I have also noticed that if I really focus on how much school work I have to do or exams I need to study for, I end up stressed out and not prepared anyway. Whereas, if I allow myself to actually live, the studying and the homework gets done on it’s own. And I still get to enjoy myself.

There are a series of questions that come up a lot in class: “What do you do for fun? What are your hobbies? What do you usually do?” In the US, I could have quickly answered those questions. Fun: dance around in my room to music playing too loudly, stretch, goof off with Jasmine. Hobbies: crafts, discovering music. Usual day: school, studying, church stuff of some sort, music. But here, there is no “usual” day and I don’t have anything that I do regularly enough to call it a hobby or to define it as fun. Yes, it is really hard for people to understand me when I say that I don’t have hobbies and that there is nothing in particular I do for fun. But I still have fun, that’s what matters. My life is a bit chaotic in the sense that it doesn’t follow a timetable but also this is the least bit stressed out I have ever been. Sure, I still have bad days or weeks or there are certain events that put me on edge but overall, I’m not as uptight as I was.

I challenge you to fast from something, and not a traditional fast where you eliminate something for 24 hours or a week. Fast from something that consumes your time. Don’t eliminate it but focus on something else (LIKE PEOPLE!) and watch how the work gets done on it’s own anyway. Simple life, as Mart would put it.

Billy Joel and Ms. Jones

Let’s start with something negative because that’s what is expected from me. Exams are plaguing the world in both North America and Europe. Today marked the completion of the first exam. I have two more tomorrow and one on Friday. And next week, another three to go. But, even though I am truly unprepared for these exams, I don’t care. And it’s not that I don’t care about the classes, I don’t care about what marks I get because I trust that I will do well enough.

Now on to something a bit more uplifting: I have decided to move out of the dormitories! And [BIG, BIG] thanks to the Viinalass family, I have a new place to call home while I am in Estonia. I have to clear my stuff out of the apartment by January 8th, which is perfect since I am supposed to leave for Russia that day. I don’t remember if I have mentioned this before but… I’m going to Russia!

I was torn between staying in the dormitories and waiting out the new roommate situation but after a few months of thought and encouragement from others, I made my decision. The papers have been filled out to terminate the lease and the rest is history. Since the decision, the chorus of this song has been playing over and over in my head…

There is one person I want to talk about in this post. Lacy, a fellow American that I happened to collide with on Friday, is a beautiful person. And I am extremely thankful that our lives intersected for those four days because new doors have opened due to it. I just want to say thank you for being you. Honesty and openness are precious, but are often forgotten traits.

Life is about to change and no, I can’t say that I am ready for it, but I sure will try to keep my head up. Also, there is so much to learn from other people. Remember that.


I kind of forgot to post the band after I picked one on Tuesday so here it is. Bleachers is the product of Fun. band member, Jack Antonoff. This is his own project he started in 2013 and he released his first album, Strange Desire, in July 2014. Jack is from New York. That’s about all you need to know.

I’m tired of trying to describe the music genres so you can decide on your own what you want to call it. Also my top 3 favourite songs: Who I Want You To Love, Reckless Love, You’re Still a Mystery. And the top 3 songs on the charts: I Wanna Get Better, Rollercoaster, Take Me Away.

Happy Thursday.


How much time can you actually waste in one week? And can time be wasted? This idea of time. Poo on the invisible measurement of time. There is no way to waste time, spend time, save time, or use time. Time is just there, or maybe it’s not. But we all accept that society works in rounds of time measurements. So we will say it exists for now.

What have I spent my time doing these few days? Absolutely nothing meaningful. And in that sense, I have wasted time. But if time keeps going no matter what, I didn’t waste time. I simple used it in ways that were not the most productive for what is expected in my daily obligations, such as school or church or social interaction in general. I admit, I have skipped classes again and not for any real reason other than I don’t want to go. And instead of class, what have I done, you may ask? Watched YouTube videos about mindless topics like video games I will never play, makeup tutorials that I will never try, vlogs of people doing regular things, and even product review videos. How exciting, right? Not. And other than mindlessly watching waste-of-time YouTube videos, I have slept, spent time with a couple of people, and watched a few movies.

If you know anything about me, you know that I don’t usually watch movies, let alone YouTube videos. And I have sat around doing basically nothing for the past five days. Yes, FIVE days. Exams are approaching soon and I couldn’t care less. Why am I studying what I am studying and what’s the point?

I was asked to think about what I would love to do and I talked about that in a previous post. If I could do only what I enjoy, I would never contribute to society. I would basically be a leech or mooch. So ponder, ponder, ponder about what I am doing and why. Why. That’s the important part of this life journey through the never-ending time measurement of life.

And now I look back at what I just wrote and it is nothing of what I thought I was going to write about, but whatever. I was also planning to post a band or a song or something but I am too indecisive on which to put up. So rather than posting one, why not post none? Just kidding.

Carnival Youth

Carnival Youth is a four-person band that formed in 2012 in Riga, Latvia. When I went on my last trip to Latvia, Mairis, the person I stayed with, showed me this lovely gem from his home country. Their music is a folk blend of experimental and alternative sounds. And, just for you, my english speaking audience, they sing in English (I wasn’t a huge a fan of that but whatever).

Happy Thursday!

A blog comprised of adventures and thoughts from a university student from Oklahoma.


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